Last week I turned 25 years old. Part of me says, "who cares? I"m still in my 20's, I still have my youth and a world of opportunity ahead of me." But there is another side of me that is scared shitless. My inability to reconcile these two contradictory pieces of my psyche lies in one simple fact: I'm a procrastinator. Contrary to popular belief, procrastination has very little to do with laziness. Those who practice the vice of laziness refuse to complete tasks based on the exertion of energy needed to complete said task. Adversly, those of us who suffer from the dreaded neurosis of procrastination exert vast amounts of energy constantly. There isn't a moment that goes by when we are not occupied with an endeavor - unfortunately - most of the time these endeavors serve one purpose and one purpose only: AVOIDANCE. I am not, by nature, a lazy person. I have quite a laundry list of goals: some I have acheived and others I have only imagined. I also pride myself on being an intelligent and well-informed human being. BUT, I am deathly afraid of failing - so much so that I suffer a paralysis of the mind and body at the mere thought of failure. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think this may be an extremely common phenomena, especially for those of us who are fairly new to the 'outside world.' Once I left the structure and deadlines of academic life, my inclination for procrastination grew increasingly worse. In fact, I've come to see procrastination as a way of existing in the world, albeit a toxic one. Let me give you a few examples.
#1. To avoid the failure that I may have felt from pursuing an acting career I: moved to Minneapolis, MN and became a flight attendant.
#2. In avoidance of the daunting task of writing an essay for my academic advisor that would double as a writing sample for my graduate school applications I: read countless blogs, started my own blog, I've read 100 novels, I've researched a vast array of topics from nutrition to freemasonry, I even took up running!
#3. For a brief period of time I took fitness very seriously, but now I avoid going to the gym by: cleaning the house, making never-ending social obligations, and crash dieting.
And the procrastination doesn't end there. In a pathetic effort to justify my actions, I tend to take a "this better than that" approach to life. What makes "this" better than "that?" I have a list of insane criterion that I follow. If it benefits me intellectually, physically, or spiritually, it can remain at the top of the list. If it is something that may cause immediate or eventual failure, it goes to the bottom of the list. Of course, no procrastinator's list would be complete without the self-destructive column. In an effort to punish myself for my imperfection (for I find that perfectionism and procrastination go hand in hand) I incorporate a certain amount of self-destruction. This has taken many forms over the years, from damaging sexual relationships to smoking, substance abuse, and an unhealthy fondness for baked goods. Now, you may be wondering why I'm writing this in a blog instead of telling my therapist . . . but the answer is simple. I've already told my therapist, and I write this in the hope that the words on the screen will relieve some of the anxiety that accompanies my procrastination. It's all about baby steps. After all, I've written this blog haven't I? I left my job as a flight attendant . . . I was in a play . . . but why am I looking for your validation? Perhaps I'm just searching for one more reason to put it off, whatever it is, one more reason to procrastinate.
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